Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

My boss called in sick of me

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

I feel attacked.

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

– Viagra addict

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?