My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
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[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Hit me in the face with a bird
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I unironically love this joke.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
