Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

Spring cleaning checklist…

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

bugs when you lift up a rock

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

When I said I liked it rough.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’