My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
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My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.