Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

In Canada they just call them geese

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.