Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

Huge if true.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job