My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
You Might Also Like
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I love the honesty
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.