My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed
Every BBC series about the universe.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait