Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.