My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
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If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.