my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
No, he would not have.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police