my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
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In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.