Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

Our parenting style can best be described as:

Bad cop,
Bozo cop

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

Winnipeg!!

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

adam and eve had first world problems

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.