My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
calling in to work dehydrated
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
He’s dead
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
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