Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?

Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

😂😂😂

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

idk flipping houses looks really hard