My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
You Might Also Like
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.