My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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Siri, fight Alexa.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
journal
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.