My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Lmao
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…