Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

🤣

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.

If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.

BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone