My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
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Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours