Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

I am laughing way too hard at this.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

Grandmother clock.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.