My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
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*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
monday
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.