My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.