My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
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OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.