My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
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Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
mandolin: finally a violin for men