Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was a valiant fight

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

Only God can judge me.

*gets hit by lightning*

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.