My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.