@simoncholland

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

You Might Also Like

@Home_Halfway

You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

@ShellHasNoName

Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses

@sad_tree

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

@Ristolable

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

@KeetPotato

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

@KKAlThani

Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.

@Ty_Schutz

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.