My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

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You really are the cat’s pajamas, and by that I mean you’re a stupid idea.


Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!


Interviewer: no, I meant any applicable skills?
Me: *still making goldfish lip kisses


PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em


ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely


[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”


Just banged my toe on a table & kept moaning in pain so much that I made a new Coldplay song.


I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.