My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
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HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
So inspired right now.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
