My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
OKAY DAD
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
britain’s three elite institutions
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.