My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
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🥴😂
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Can’t. Being lazy.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
when you don’t want to be too vague
