My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
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Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Help
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit