My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
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Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
nature’s most graceful animal
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER