Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

[summons genie]

genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes

me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote

genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog