Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

“He seems kind of rude”

“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”

“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

[carnival]

ME: How do I win?

CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table

ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*

CARNIE: Oh shi-

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.