Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

weddings should have a worst man

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Every haunted house movie:

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

this is the kind of friend i am

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”