Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

there has never been a better use of this meme

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

what’s the point then??

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.

Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.