Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

Are we there yet?…

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.