Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer