My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
mariah carrie
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her