Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*