Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.