My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*