My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
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It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’m dying louder than usual today.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’m not sorry.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.