My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
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They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
they should invent a hydrating liquor
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
girls literally only want one thing..
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.