Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!