My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
You Might Also Like
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
