My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
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Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??