My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
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Room with a view.
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
my one true gender
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay