What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Guys if anyone asks, we found him like this, OK
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”