@crocodilethumbs
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
@juliussharpe
My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
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@crocodilethumbs
@peeznuts
-Give it to me straight doc.
-You’ll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You’ll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
@PhilJamesson
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
@NrouteHQ
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
@Sickayduh
Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn’t mean he’s racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I’d start over.
@HomeProbably
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
@Terdoh
My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like “You’re five years old? When I was your age I was six!”
@Gupton68
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really donβt
@NewAmsterdam143
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
@WVUPRT
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”