Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus: who likes fish
My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.
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-Give it to me straight doc.
-You’ll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You’ll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
~ gas pumps
Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn’t mean he’s racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I’d start over.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like “You’re five years old? When I was your age I was six!”
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”