@juliussharpe

My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.

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@plank_sinatra

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

@Bob_Janke

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

@TheToddWilliams

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

@Rollinintheseat

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

@3sunzzz

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

@Rollinintheseat

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”