My wife bought four grapefruit spoons. You know, for all those times in your life when there are four people eating grapefruit at once.

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Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch



Jesus: who likes fish


-Give it to me straight doc.
-You’ll never walk again.
-Now give it to me gay.
-You’ll never stroll merrily down the boardwalk again.


[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby








~ gas pumps


Sure, racists supporting Trump doesn’t mean he’s racist. But, if I was painting my house and the KKK said it looked good, I’d start over.


My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like “You’re five years old? When I was your age I was six!”


[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t


Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”