My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
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You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Saw online –
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
jesus, what did this guy do