Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

This is a sub tweet

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.