Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

[rollercoaster]

HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!

Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!

Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

these two trucks have the same bed length