Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.