Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”