My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf