My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
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his wife is probably gonna see that
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My favorite female superhero
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
This is my emotional support chloroform rag