My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
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[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.