My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
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Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”