My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
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My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
checking out some reviews of my local library
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Carpe DM
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?