My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
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If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
