My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
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So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Carpe DM
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.