My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
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“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
I never know how much to tip a cow.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform