Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

That’s as old as the hills

hills: (offended) Hey

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

My boss called in sick of me

ㅤㅤ