My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
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you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Bond. Trauma bond.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*