My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
that lip filler tho
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.