My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
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Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times