Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu

— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

looks legit

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today