Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again