my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
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I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Just checked my bank account….
That shit said $ L,MA0,00.00
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.