my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
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Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Mornin. * use accordingly
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.