my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
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I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
choose your fighter
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If you know, you know 😂🚔
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
The sacred texts.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.