my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
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If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
he’ll never suspect a thing
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.