Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

How can I say no to this ?

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.