my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
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We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Yup….perfect score!
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”