My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
house sitting!
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or