Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

Forty is the new thirty!

At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.