Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wednesday

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:

– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna