Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

This kid will have a bright future.

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Date: so you’re a handyman?

Me: no I just do odd jobs

Date: like what

Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

Krampus.

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

I camp so other people don’t have to.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.